The Wrong Type of Redemption

12 Days Fly By…


12: Days Fly By…

For the rest of the week, Jerry and Philip had created a routine of meeting for dinner or his father cooked. Sometimes, his father would use the apartment to shower. All their interactions were quiet, questions kept to superficial stuff like what was in the news or how their day was. Thoughts of Philip still made him hard, but Jerry had stopped fucking with him after talking to Dorian. He feared his cousin was right and was just trying to keep Gerald’s memory alive by become him. The worst part is, Jerry would have never normally harassed anyone. That was Gerald…

Late one night, Jerry woke needing to go to the bathroom. He pushed Gerald’s arm from around his neck and sat up.

“Glitch…” His brother murmured.


Gerald relaxed back into sleep as Jerry padded out the room. He was on his way down the hall when he heard, “Phil, they’re ten years old and should be in separate beds. Gerald has his own room and refuses to use it for anything. Don’t you find that strange?” His mother’s voice made Jerry freeze in panic. They wanted to separate them?

“They’re identical twins, Shel, what do you expect? They finish each other’s sentences. Hell, sometimes they don’t even talk and yet they seem to know what the other one is thinking.”

“But the same bed? You can’t even assign one a task without the other following along.”

“Then assign them the same task.”

“I’ve tried, but it’s like they don’t listen to me. I’m their mother!”

“This is about the football thing isn’t it?”

There was a pause as Jerry crept closer to his parent’s bedroom door.

“You give Jerry a laptop and you teach Gerald how to play football and they seem content being apart doing those things but…I try to get them to sleep in different rooms and Gerald thinks I’m a witch.”

His father laughed. “I taught Gerald football because I was tired of Glitch crying every time he couldn’t find his laptop. Gerald’s always hiding that thing to make sure Glitch pays him some attention. That boy is too old to be crying over nothing.”

“He’s only showing the emotion that Gerald doesn’t… I really think something’s wrong with my boys.”

“Sure, Gerald is tough, but he’s just protective of Glitch. If Gerald didn’t, Glitch would cry himself to death or be bullied for being a sissy.”

“Phil…you don’t see the way Gerald looks at me.”

“Maybe if you stop trying to separate them they’ll grow out of it. Gerald has a rebellious nature, anything you do he’ll try to do the opposite. I should know, I was like him. Give him something to focus on that he likes and he’s harmless…”

Jerry tiptoed to the bathroom, unable to hold in his pee any longer. After he flushed and headed back down the hall, it was quiet. His parents weren’t talking anymore. He opened the door and nearly ran into Gerald who stood their sleepily.

“Where were you?” His groggy brother mumbled.


“You took too long.” Gerald rubbed his eyes.

“Heard mom and dad talking.”


“Mom suspects something…” Tears pooled into Jerry’s eyes, fearfully.

Gerald paused and slowly lowed his hand to look at Jerry with narrowed eyes. “Suspects what?”

“She thinks we need to be in separate beds. We’re too close…is that bad?” Jerry asked fumbling with the edge of his pajama shirt as he sniffed.

Gerald wrapped his arms around Jerry and pulled him into a hug. “No. Don’t worry. Its fine. I’ll deal with mom. No one is going to separate us. Ever.” His brothers voice grew dark. “I’ll handle everything.” His brother said before kissing him on the cheek.

After that day, their mother flinched every time Gerald got too close or if she thought Jerry was Gerald. After a while it became apparent that she didn’t want to be alone with just one of them, Jerry and Gerald had to be in the same room together for her to be comfortable around them. Even then, Jerry saw the dark looks his twin gave her. Jerry never asked, he never questioned his brother…it was always better not to.

Looking back at those days, seeing his brother for who he was, Jerry knew Gerald did sneaky malicious shit. He was the one that always picked fights with Eric when his older brother paid too much attention to Jerry. He was the one who “accidently” cut their mother with a steak knife as he helped her wash dishes one day after she kept insisting they sleep in separate rooms. Because their father worked for their their mother’s father, Gerald got into their grandfather’s ear to keep dad busy with the old man so their father didn’t notice too much about how close the twins actually were.

Jerry always turned a blind eye to all the hurtful things that his brother did because Gerald only lived to make Jerry happy, he had said…but if Jerry wasn’t such a wimp back then, maybe he could have made his brother stop or something. Underneath all the love he had for Gerald, there was fear of his brother that kept Jerry from ever opposing him.


Sunday afternoon came and Jerry was sleeping in late when a hand came down on his forehead. Jerry jerked awake, heart hammering, and he rose to his feet with his arm drawn back to punch the first face he saw.

His father quickly backed up hands in the air as if to surrender.

“What the hell are you doing in my apartment?” Jerry asked, letting his hands and mouth ask the question. He turned to look in the guy’s face. “How did you get in?”

“…property manager let me in… You know sign language?” Philip’s mouth moved, pointing at Jerry’s fingers, eyes round with shock. Then he frowned.

Jerry read each word then blew out a breath. “You didn’t know?” Jerry asked as he signed. But of course, the guy didn’t know. His father had disappeared before Jerry woke and found out he could barely hear. Philip wasn’t around for any of the rehab or therapy. And because Jerry’s hair came over his ears, the guy couldn’t see his hearing aids. “Yeah, it’s kind of what you need to communicate with the world when it’s hard to hear.” He pointed to one ear.

“Since when have you been-“

“Guess?” Jerry asked giving him a deadpan expression.

Philip’s face fell into a mask of speechless horror.

“Why did you touch me?” Jerry snapped.

“I…I just thought you weren’t feeling well, you weren’t answering the door, or talking to me and you were still in bed and its late-“

“I’m fine. I can’t make out sounds well without my hearing aid in.”

“This…this is my fault.”

“Whatever. Now can I go back to sleep. I’m tired. My weeks are long and my weekends are short. If you want, turn the television on and watch it, but just let me sleep.”

“Won’t the TV bother you?”

He snorted. “Not like I can hear it well.” Then ignoring the look of pain on his father’s face Jerry turned over and closed his eyes willing himself to sleep or just shut out his father’s presences. But it was impossible. His cock was painfully aware that Philip was there, in his space, breathing his air. Damn dick.

The look of pain and horror that had reflected on his father’s face made Jerry ache to bury his flesh in damn near anything. His limbs shook with the twinges of agony shooting from his leaking cock.

Getting up, Jerry walked half hunched half shuffling to the bathroom. He closed the door and fell back on its surface before he pushed his pants over his hips. He fucked his fist as the need built, his hips jerked as he panted, not caring if his father heard. He groaned, took a few steps when his ball drew up, and shot into the shower letting his semen coat the tile wall.

On a shaky breath he stood there. It had to stop. He was starting to hate this feeling. Philip needed to leave. He needed to get away from Jerry. For both their sake. Jerry didn’t want to lust after the man anymore. Even after Nick’s blowjob, Jerry’s stupid cock wasn’t happy and it made him cranky.

Plus, why the hell did he want a guy who’d abandoned him and everyone else? His heart belonged to Gerald, so there was no room for anyone else…right? Why was he allowing Philip close to him? Why? 

He and his father never really even talked about much. Not that Jerry wanted to talk. He thought of what his father told him about Gerald. If not for Philip, he’d have never known that his twin had died thinking that Jerry would die soon too. To be together forever in eternity… Was that why he let Philip stick around? Gratitude for that revelation? Or was it because of his insane dick?

Turning on the shower, he rinsed down the walls before he got inside and washed from head to toe cleaning away the outside dirt. But the inside was always going to be there, broken, ruined. He accepted that. There was no changing what had happened. No bringing back the family who seemed to love each other. His mother’s hugs, his father’s pat on the head, his brother Eric’s laugh, and especially Gerald.

It was never about Gerald’s appearance that captured Jerry because he could just look in the mirror if he wanted to see Gerald again. It was Gerald’s attitude and take charge manner that captured Jerry. They were Yin and Yang, light and dark. Gerald was always in the limelight always cunning and charismatic, making friends and making Jerry make friends, too. Jerry was weak, withdrawn, simple. Besides his computer, Jerry never did anything unless Gerald told him to do it. He never had friends unless they were Gerald’s friends. He never thought of changing roles, pretending to be the other twin, unless Gerald wanted to trick someone.

No one but Eric and their father could tell when Jerry was pretending to be Gerald. “You don’t have Gerald’s bravado or arrogance.” Eric would say ruffling his hair. “But keep practicing.”

Putting his aids in, Jerry looked at himself in the mirror for the first time in days. Then he closed his eyes. No, the facial hair wasn’t so he could hide from the world. That was a lie he told himself. It was so he could hide from himself and his reflection of Gerald. Even if he looked like a mountain hillbilly with his thick light brown hair, thick beard and mustache, he still had Gerald’s cloudy gray eyes, nose, jawline, chin…everything.

Taking in a deep breath, steeling himself, Jerry walked out the bathroom to see Philip sitting on the floor near the TV gazing up at him. He looked Jerry up and down as if impressed but nothing more. No heat reflected in his father’s gaze.

Knowing if he didn’t get dressed soon, he would start jacking off to those blue eyes and hard jaw, Jerry went to his drawer and pulled out some boxers, sweat pants, and a t-shirt. Then began dressing.

“I was wondering…if you want to go to lunch or-“

“Let’s not Philip. Let’s just stop whatever it is you want. I’m done with relationships of any kind. I don’t want a family or anything. I’ve cut all that out. Let it go. Go back to your life. Start a new family or something. Do…whatever, just not with me,” Jerry said pulling on his shirt. The confusion, the feelings, the memories…exhausted him. He didn’t want it anymore.

When Jerry didn’t get a reply he finally looked back to find his father still sitting staring at him as if trying to find the words. That worried look was ramping Jerry up again. Why was he so enjoying his father’s misery? Why? Was this pay back? Jerry didn’t think he was this damn petty, but clearly he was.

Gerald had been the petty one. Gerald had been the tormentor. Not Jerry. Fuck! Why me?

“I’m going for a run. Be gone when I get back,” Jerry said being a total bastard. As he put on his shoes and laced them up he noticed from the corners of his vision that Philip was moving and was now standing over him.

“I’ll do you one better.” Philip’s gravelly voice had Jerry looking up at him. “I need to get back to work for a couple of days. I’ll give you your space. But I’ll be back. You might be done with me, but… I’m not letting go again.” Determination shown in his father’s eyes and Jerry groaned inwardly. How the hell was he supposed live the quiet life he envisioned when his past haunted him and made him want to fuck the guy? Or did he want to be fucked? Dammit, Dorian.

“If you’re looking for redemption, you might want to look elsewhere. I can’t give you that.” Because he couldn’t give it to himself. The one thing he wanted and dreamed about was to be with Gerald. He hadn’t been strong enough to do that. Mia had said it was stronger to live and work through the troubles of life. She had said it was a sign of strength to face life than to take the easy way out. Jerry wasn’t sure. Maybe his father running away from everything was the right answer.

“I just want to try to be in your life.” Philip twisted his lips. “I understand why you don’t want me here. But I want to try.” The guy took in a deep breath and walked out, the door clicking shut behind him.

No…the man didn’t understand why.

Jerry closed his eyes trying not to think about that jean clad backside and how it appealed to him in the worse way with each step. Maybe he should tell his father of the lewd things going on in his head and how he jerked off to the guy almost every night so his father would finally go away.

And yet, a small part of him…so very tiny, wanted to call his father to come back. 


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